Circle back: a journey to understanding

Souvenir It's early morning, the sky is an endless blue and the sun is making the asphalt glitter.  I stand beside my long time friend Marie; w e are in front of her house that has just been renovated.  We are not 10 yet and wearing summer clothes.  Something has happened last night but I don't quite remember whyat. I clearly remember the longing to be somewhere else, someone else. And I tell her: "One day I will be famous." I didn't happened yet. Will it? Maybe not, unless I am able to shake that sens of unworthiness that lingers on my soul and makes me withdraw from projects that might bring me further down a more... glorious? path. Just writing the word "glorious" leaves me somewhat uncomfortable. If I was to ever reach some sort of stardom, would I shy away from it? I long for that recognition, that sens of being important when, clearly, those who have reach these places are not happier than I. I stated before that if it's not on the Inte...

So many ups and downs. So many mood swings. So many tears. So many days of not knowing the f*ck is wrong with me.  Black and blue days intertwined with euphoric ones when I feel on top of my game and like I could do it all. Days when I get to work and tears silently stroll down my cheeks. Today is one of those days where I cried in front of my screen and pondered where all the wonders of life have gone while avoiding actually working. Instead, I dive into the past to seek understanding and answers. Back in 2017, when I visited the psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks while having a massive anxiety attack that lasted for days, I met with a psychiatrist who diagnosed a Cluster B and C mixed personality disorder: borderline, avoidant, and somewhat, narcissistic. Mixed personality disorder is one of the most commonly diagnosed personality disorders. In one study looking at patients referred for psychotherapy, 18.4% met the diagnostic criteria for a mixed personality disorder. (1) I n...

I was born into a small village where everyone knew one another. There were no secrets kept hidden and people were judgemental of everything - and everyone. I was born in 1984 - like the book I cannot get out of my head - to an unemployed mom and a hard-working, barely-there, dad. I came second after my brother who was under-fed as a baby because Mom didn't produce enough milk. There were to be two other girls after me. I had an awkward relationship with my big brother - one day he was nice and the other, he would start the humiliation session at school. Souvenir We walked to school as we lived nearby. On that very first day of elementary school - I remember a crisp fall morning with glorious sun and the bluest sky - I was met by a guy named Patrick at the school's fence. There was only one park entrance, so he couldn't have missed me. I don't know what I have ever done to warrant such anger toward myself. The moment I came into his sight, he started calling me name...

 As an almost 40-something woman, I wonder - every day - how I got here. How to deal with my trauma responses and my defense mechanisms. How to be a good friend, a supportive mom, an enjoyable coworker, a loving girlfriend, a present daughter, and a  ... sister. How do I juggle my many titles? Do I need to understand my back to look forward? And if yes, why? I was born and raised in a rural area, the second of 4 brothers and sisters. I love cats and reading. I enjoy silence. I listen the most to female artists. I write. I work as an administrative assistant. I have a toddler who's almost 18 months now. This list peaks a tiny bit into my circumstances. It doesn't tell you who I am though. What made me? I have been searching my past for so long now and the only way I know how to make sense of it is writing. Yes, I could write a journal (and I do) but I need feedback. I need to dig and show something for the time spent. So here I am, trying to understand the journey that brings u...