One day, I will be famous

Souvenir

It's early morning, the sky is an endless blue and the sun is making the asphalt glitter. I stand beside my long time friend Marie; we are in front of her house that has just been renovated. We are not 10 yet and wearing summer clothes. Something has happened last night but I don't quite remember whyat. I clearly remember the longing to be somewhere else, someone else. And I tell her: "One day I will be famous."

I didn't happened yet. Will it?

Maybe not, unless I am able to shake that sens of unworthiness that lingers on my soul and makes me withdraw from projects that might bring me further down a more... glorious? path. Just writing the word "glorious" leaves me somewhat uncomfortable. If I was to ever reach some sort of stardom, would I shy away from it? I long for that recognition, that sens of being important when, clearly, those who have reach these places are not happier than I.

I stated before that if it's not on the Internet, it's not real. So if my life is not on the Internet, it's not real - to some degrees. How is that relevant for me to write that sort of blog? I do it to see more clearly through life events I cannot make sens of, to help others along the way - but also to reach some sort of popularity, of being influential.

Back then, I didn't want to be famous as much as I wanted to be someone else and mostly, out of there. Life was hell-ish for me up until I moved away from that small town where everyone knew everyone and had an opinions about you.

Will being "famous" resolve my issue of wanting to be someone else?

Do you have your own thoughts and your own opinions?

There is a beautiful quote from Judy Garland about this topic, “Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ”

There is great wisdom in these words. You become happier and more satisfied, and your self-esteem and self-confidence become stronger, when you are a first-rate version of yourself. People also will respect you more, when you are a first-rate version of yourself and not a second-rate version of somebody else.If you want to live a different life, if you want to be as successful as someone else, you need to do something about it. It’s easier to read about other people’s great lives. 

[...] To live the life you want you need to take action, and you need to follow your goals. (1)

The thing is, when I take actions toward a better version of me, I always go back to what I was. I cannot keep going in that direction. Discipline, continued hard-work and also, working on my emotional responses are keys to become a me I feel better to be.

It feels as if I long for that recognition, that respect but can't stand the responsibilities that goes hand in hand with it. I'd like to be recognized (respected!?) for who I am not what I do.

Just there. That word, respected in parentheses, could it be what I am after?
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Reference:
(1) Sasson, Remez. Do You Like Who You Are, or Do You Want to Be Someone Else? https://www.successconsciousness.com/blog/personal-development/do-you-want-to-be-someone-else/