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No Demand for Brutal Honesty

I know nothing of what's to come
Even when I try to peak through Future's curtains
It terrifies me
even more now I know it has nothing to do with worth

I want to believe I know what's in the past
Truth is, it's a never-ending chase through layers of verity
As I aged, understanding shifts & colors changes
But I am never closer to sincerity

Authenticity is a friend I lost touch with
I found out the hard way there is no demand for brutal honesty
Friends I hang out too long with suffered from my anxiety
Expressed through hurtful yet genuine concerns

What's to come eludes me
Same as how to prepare for it
I am no more certain today than yesterday
Certainties I used to have are gone in smoke

I've come across an article written by Michelle Quirk of Psychology Today (1) about brutal honesty and I have never thought about it being ingrained into such violence. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary,  the word brutal "applies to people, their acts, or their words and suggests a lack of intelligence, feeling, or humanity." so it really shouldn't be a surprise to me. But it is. Sadly, it is. It puts a very harsh light on my past actions. How could I have ever thought being brutally honest with people I care about was a good idea?

I am a born and raised rural 90's kid meaning I am a product of my generation. Both my parents didn't care about our feelings or needs. After all, they were raised by either violent parents or checked-out one's (2). Before the first friend I hurt, I never truly had one. And God knows I've craved having a best friend my whole life! 

I have been brutally honest with two very close friends (they are not my friends anymore - they abandoned our friendship after the fight) in the past. Honest as a person who's been confided in a lot can be. They trusted me with their secrets, their hearts, their doubts. They trusted me to be a good friend: kind, compassionate, available. I don't know if I could have been those things for those two women. I was absent from my own life in my early twenties: I didn't want to inhabit my body nor my mind. Whatever my excuses are, I could have known better if only I had started my healing journey before.

Thoughts?
________________________

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