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The Ups and Downs of Mixed Personnality Disorder

So many ups and downs. So many mood swings. So many tears. So many days of not knowing the f*ck is wrong with me. 

Black and blue days intertwined with euphoric ones when I feel on top of my game and like I could do it all. Days when I get to work and tears silently stroll down my cheeks.

Today is one of those days where I cried in front of my screen and pondered where all the wonders of life have gone while avoiding actually working. Instead, I dive into the past to seek understanding and answers.

Back in 2017, when I visited the psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks while having a massive anxiety attack that lasted for days, I met with a psychiatrist who diagnosed a Cluster B and C mixed personality disorder: borderline, avoidant, and somewhat, narcissistic.

Mixed personality disorder is one of the most commonly diagnosed personality disorders. In one study looking at patients referred for psychotherapy, 18.4% met the diagnostic criteria for a mixed personality disorder. (1)

I never minded the tags because it helps me understand my pitfalls and because, that makes me somewhat unique, right? (there you go, narcissistic side!)

Some of us find it useful to have a diagnosis because we feel it explains and helps us to understand our difficulties, or gives us a sense of relief and validation. It may also be helpful for accessing treatment or support. Or to put a name to our experiences and connect with others. (2)

However, as the year goes by, I understand less and less how a psychiatrist I met 4 or 5 times could determine I have such heavy mental health issues. The ups and downs could mean I am hormonal, right? Could be I am going through a rough patch and it's just what life is: ups and downs, winning and losing. I wish. I really wish it was hormonal and I could take contraceptive pills and be done with it.

Nowadays, I identify more with the borderline part. But... why me? That's the core of the question. Why me? I may be able to accept the labels and learn how to deal with it but why me? Whatever deep I dig, the conclusion is the same: BD comes from a mix of genetics and environmental factors such as being neglected in childhood, having a parent with a disorder diagnosis, and being abused, just to name a few.

Oh! The further I dive into the past, the more it makes sense! Anyone?

________________________

References 

(1) Verheul R, Bartak A, Widiger T. Prevalence and construct validity of Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDNOS). J Pers Disord. 2007;21(4):359-70. doi:10.1521/pedi.2007.21.4.359

(2) © Mind. This information is published in full at mind.org.uk

Causes - Borderline personality disorder

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